Moscow Mules and Mind Erasers (Or It’s Inauguration Day)

Today is Inauguration day. While it would be perfectly understandable for me to cry in my closet while drinking Moscow Mules, I’ve decided to do four loads of laundry instead. America may be on fire, but I WILL have clean sheets and undies, dammit.

I briefly contemplated taking down my Christmas twinkle lights, and fully wallowing in misery today, but I decided it was better to keep a little happiness in my home, all things considered.

Speaking of happiness, it was my friend Tim’s birthday on Wednesday.

This is Tim:

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He hates Christmas carols and steals my hats.

But I love him anyway.

Since it was his birthday I decided to make him a present.

Wanna see?

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OK, maybe “made” is a strong word.

All I did was bash some Heath bars with a rolling pin and mix them into a carton of coffee ice cream, but you would have thought I had handed over the keys to a Maybach by his reaction.

See, Haagen Daas discontinued his favorite ice cream flavor: Coffee with Heath Bar, so I made him his own batch. (I did work at Dairy Queen in high school, after all.)

He kept hugging me. A lot.

He also liked his card.

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He likes Sierra Nevada and verbal abuse.

So I customized his card, accordingly.

He also likes Zippies.

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He’s not the only one.

Some wonderful soul at the Saloon invented them. Or something.

They’re basically mind erasers with Chambord instead of Kahlua.

If you need a few to forget what just happened in Washington, the recipe is below.

Zippie

1/2 oz of Chambord
3 oz Vodka
Splash of soda

Pour Chambord in the bottom of a tumbler. Add vodka. Top off with a splash of soda water. Insert two short straws and suck down the sweetness.

You won’t be sorry.

Or maybe you will, but at least you won’t really remember… and for the next four years that won’t be such a bad thing.

This Yankee Likes Bourbon (Or How to Make Spiked Old Fashioned Shakes)

Spiked shakes are amazing. Also bourbon belongs in ice cream. Trust me on this one.

There’s this fabulous pub in my neighborhood that makes spiked milkshakes. They are divine. I mean, what’s not to love about bourbon in your ice cream? I’ll tell you. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Unless you consider the calories, but shhh, let’s not speak of such things.

As my good friend once put it, “Counting calories is as damaging as counting the number of guys you’ve slept with.”

Amen, sister.

Some things just don’t need to be tallied.

(This also applies to counting the months and sometimes years of my accidental celibacy, but again, let’s not speak of these things.)

Back to bourbon, ice cream, and happiness.

The pub also serves a pretzel with a beer fondue sauce that will change your life. I need figure out how to make that as well, but I digress. Tonight I’m having a girlfriend over for a movie night, and I’m going to make some of those fabulous spiked shakes.

See, I promised Jerry, the sweet old guy up the street, that I would watch Gone With the Wind, and I have been putting it off. For weeks. Every time I stop to chat with him, he opens with, “Have you watched the movie yet?”

Each time I must hang my head in shame and admit that I have not.

I mean, the movie is FOUR HOURS LONG! Four. Hours. Long.

Just so you know, the last time I did anything for four hours uninterrupted, it was called sleeping. Yeah, yeah, yeah, the movie won Oscars and is all famous and shit, but I have about a 90-minute attention span, max. Sure, I have two film degrees, which means I have endured more long, obtuse “art” films than anyone should ever be exposed to unless they’re being tortured by a rogue terrorist cell, but there’s a reason I work in TV and not features now.

So anyway, I need to bribe myself to sit still tonight, and I need my friend Kim, and my friend bourbon, to force me to do it. This is why I’m making truffle popcorn and Spiked Old Fashioned shakes to accompany Margaret Mitchell’s masterpiece.

If you have a movie night coming up and want to mix it up a bit, the shake recipe is below and the popcorn recipe is here. You may not need bourbon and butterfat to sit still like I do, but it’ll make it more fun. I promise.

Spiked Old Fashioned Shake

2 C vanilla ice cream
4 oz bourbon whiskey
2 oz orange juice
¼ tsp Angostura bitters
3 maraschino cherries, plus one additional cherry for garnish
Whipped cream for garnish, optional

Scoop the ice cream into the blender. Add the next four ingredients and blend thoroughly. Pour the shake into a glass and garnish with whipped cream and a cherry.

Consume. Smile. Go into a creamy bourbon-induced coma while watching Scarlett O’Hara shout about Yankees in Tara for four hours.

OK, anyway, this Yankee is going to down some Kentucky Bourbon now.

Later, ya’ll.