Lunatics Hanging Out of Trucks (Or How to Make an Orange Julius)

Remember on Friday when I said I thought I was coming down with a cold?

Yeah, well, I was kind of right.

I am sick, but it’s more of a nuclear germ assault affecting everything above my neck than your average garden variety cold. I’m actually going to the doctor today because I can hardly swallow, it hurts to speak above a whisper, and each day it gets worse instead of better.

When I woke up this morning I wanted to tear out my own tonsils with a kitchen knife but decided to make myself an orange julius instead. I didn’t have any concentrated orange juice in the house, so I had to walk up to the market on the corner to get some.

I threw on some fleecy pants that add at least five pounds to my legs, a huge cashmere granny sweater that gives me an ass for days, and I twisted my un-brushed hair into a makeshift bun. I was wearing my glasses and my chucks, and I generally looked (and felt) like all-around hammered shit.

As I was walking home, frozen OJ in hand, I heard incessant whistling over my shoulder. I looked over to see some lunatic hanging out of the side of a pick up truck waving at me. When things like this happen I often wonder why I ever bother to brush my hair or apply make up because I swear weirdos will nearly fall out of moving vehicles gawking at you no matter how heinous you look.

I’m sure there’s some lesson in there somewhere only I’m too tired to figure out what it is right now….

I was on the fence about whether it was culinarily responsible to post my orange julius recipe when I couldn’t actually taste the one I made this morning but decided to do it anyway because I’ve been drinking them since I was a kid and they always tasted OK before.

I’m sure this one was great too.

At least it looked like it tasted good.

At least it looked like it tasted good.

Orange Julius

4 oz Orange Juice Concentrate
1 C Whole Milk
8 Ice Cubes, Crushed
2 T Honey, Melted
1/2 tsp Vanilla Extract
1 C Water, optional*

Put all of the ingredients into the blender. Blend and enjoy.

And before I head to the doctor, here’s a cheerful break up song to add a little skip to your step. I can’t get enough of it even though I haven’t really broken up with anyone since February, and that was only sort of break up adjacent because we didn’t go out that many times.

Whatever.

The beat is awesome, and Kygo is everything.

* I like mine to have more of a kick so I skip the water, but you do you. 

Mint Chocolate for My Mouth (Or Mint Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Balls)

Remember how I was all into the Cookie Dough Protein Balls from PaleOMG a few weeks ago? (If not, you can find the Balls for Breakfast post here.)

Well, I am still into them. WAY into them. Only, I was eating a handful one day and thought, “What if I put MINT in here?”

If you’re thinking, “Mint with almonds? Have you taken leave of your senses, woman?” I understand.

But go with me for a moment here because it’ll be worth it.

I promise.

Spence the Spinosauraus Can't STOP with these things.

Even Trudy the Triceratops can’t STOP with these things.

If you think Trudy and I are on to something with the mint in our mouths, here’s the recipe.

Mint Chocolate Cookie Dough Protein Balls

1/2 C Trader Joe’s Vanilla Hemp Protein*
2 T Coconut Flour
1 T Coconut Sugar
pinch of salt
1 T Almond Butter
2 T Almond Milk
1 1/2 T Coconut Oil, melted
1/2 tsp Pure Mint Extract
2 T Miniature Chocolate Chips, Semi-Sweet

Mix the first four ingredients together in a small bowl. Mix the almond butter, almond milk, coconut oil, and mint extract together in another bowl and stir to create uniform consistency. Add the dry ingredients to the wet and mix to blend. Fold in the chocolate chips.

Roll into balls and allow them to firm up in the refrigerator.

Try not to eat them before they set up….

Oh, and the other thing I’m into right now?

Is this song by Thomas Jack.

Please don’t get all uppity about the Chaplin film that contains this speech and give me a lecture on sensitivity. I just like the words in the context of the song.

*Trader Joe’s also makes a chocolate hemp protein. That would probably be good as well. 

Healthy Strawberry Banana Mousse (Or Fluffy Goodness for Your Mouth)

Wanna know something?

Ice cream is hands down my favorite dessert on the planet.

Hands down.

But if I’m being really honest with you, it hasn’t always been an easy relationship. I had an eating disorder in college that left me with some really bad feelings about my favorite dessert. We made up last year, which was kind of spectacular and uh-mazing, but that’s a better story for my other blog ‘cuz it’s kinda long.

Anyway…

Even though ice cream and I are playing nicely now, I don’t indulge every day. I prefer to save it for a special occasion.

If I want something with a creamy texture that isn’t off the charts sweet for a regular day I make this.

So fluffy.

Get in my mouth, fluffy goodness!

“What is that?” You ask.

It’s a strawberry banana mousse, and it’s super light and satisfying. It gives me a taste of something sweet and also satisfies my desire for a smooth, soothing texture without being bonkers on fat and sugar.

Here’s the recipe in case you wanna make your own.

Strawberry Banana Mousse

1/2 C Frozen Strawberries, Sliced
1/2 C Frozen Bananas, Sliced
1 C Whole Milk
2 T Coconut Sugar*

Place the bananas and the milk in the food processor, and combine until blended completely. (You have to use a food processor to achieve the fluffy consistency; a blender will make a smoothie instead.) Add the strawberries and the coconut sugar, and whip until fully combined.

It makes about 1 1/2 – 2 C.

You have to serve it immediately otherwise the airiness will diminish if you put it in the refrigerator or let it sit out too long.

*If you have sweet, organic frozen strawberries, you can get away with 1 T of coconut sugar. If you’re using the cheaper frozen kind you’ll probably need the full 2 T of coconut sugar.

OK, that’s all.

I’m off to write my football script for a while.

XOXO

‘Cuz Candied Bacon (Or Kinda Low Carb Maple Candied Bacon with Cayenne)

Last week I candied bacon because… well, bacon + maple syrup + maple sugar + cayenne = SUPERFREAKINGAMAZING in Your Mouth.

If the idea of candied bacon makes you like this:

IMG_1465

There’s maple sugar and cayenne on this?

You need to trust me and make some anyway because, eating it made me do this in my kitchen.

I am not mentally ill. I swear.

I am not mentally ill. I swear.

It also converted this guy into a carnivore.

It was so good it converted this guy into a carnivore.

So long leafy plants!

I have my writers’ group tonight, so I think I’m going to make another batch. (The first one didn’t last long.)

If you want to make some yourself, here’s how I did it:

SPICY MAPLE CANDIED BACON

1/2 C Maple Syrup, Grade B
2 tsp Dijon Mustard (I used Grey Poupon)
4 tsp Maple Sugar*
1/2 tsp Cayenne
16 oz Bacon, Thick Cut

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Line a baking sheet with aluminum foil and place a metal drying rack on top of the foil.

Mix the first four ingredients together. Place the bacon strips on top of the drying rack. Using a pastry brush, paint each strip of bacon with the glaze.

Place in the oven and bake for about 10-15 minutes. Using tongs, flip the bacon over and paint on the remaining glaze. Bake for another 10-15 minutes, or until you achieve desired crispiness.

Try not to burn your fingers by eating it while it’s still hot. You need to allow it to cool on the rack, but it’s hard to wait!!!

*Maple sugar is lower on the glycemic index than regular brown sugar and can be found at specialty stores. If you can’t find maple sugar you can substitute coconut sugar. If you don’t care about the glycemic stuff, it’ll work with brown sugar for sure.

Carrot Ginger Juice (Or Let’s Macerate Some Stuff)

For those of you following along, yesterday was the end of my three-day meditative fast. As it turns out, I didn’t touch my script at all. I had intended to do so, but it just wasn’t the right time.

SO much stuff came up over those three days that was more important to address — and by “stuff” I don’t mean people calling me and asking me to go hiking. I mean I-sat-in-silence-and-worked-through-some-STUFF stuff.

It was hard, but it was worth it, and I feel so much stronger now. I might write more about it some time on the other blog, but I’m not ready yet.

Each fast I do brings new and different challenges, and I’m always so much better off afterwards.

Plus a big plate of spicy sausage nachos tastes even more amazing when you haven’t eaten in three days.

Bonus!

If you're wondering what kind of person breaks a fast with spicy sausage nachos and rose, that person is me.

I was so excited to dive into my food that I don’t even think this photo is in focus.

I savored each spicy, cilantro-laden bite and celebrated by watching the “Red Wedding” episode of Game of Thrones.* (No amount of on-screen slaughter could keep me away from food after three hours let alone three days.)

For good measure, I capped my calorie fest off with two balls of cookie dough because Ghiradelli chocolate chip cookie dough is from God.

All of that was so amazing in my mouth, but around 2 am, my intestines had a difference of opinion. I’m not talking stabbing pains, but there was some slight discomfort involved.

Two hours later I was still wide awake, so I decided it was time to just get up.

Some people actually get up at 4 am on purpose, anyway.

I mean, that’s a thing, right? Getting up at 4 am?

Anyway, there I was up before the sun this morning, and I really, really wanted to write. I was so on fire that I actually made it through 60 pages of screenplay revisions before lunch.

Today lunch involved tuna, basil, and artichoke hearts with dijon vinaigrette on a bed of arugula, all of which I washed down with a glass of carrot ginger juice.

And because I’m me, I made the juice myself….

Get ready to get macerated!

Get ready to get macerated, stuff!

I did the math, and making the juice is cheaper than buying it. Just for the record, I don’t do this kind of math on everything — just on things I consume with shocking frequency like bacon, espresso, and breakfast bars.  (I’m not about to go bankrupt because I don’t like drip coffee and whatnot, so this kind of stuff needs sorting out for economic efficiency.)

It’s also nice to tweak the ratio of carrot to ginger to your own liking.

Rabbits did carrot ginger juice.

The Easter rabbits are down with my carrot to ginger ratio. They told me. 

If you have a juicer and want to give it a shot, here’s my recipe.

Carrot Ginger Juice

2 pounds of carrots, peeled and chopped
2 oz peeled, fresh ginger
1/2 lemon

Put carrots and ginger into juicer and let it do its thing. You can also peel the lemon, remove the seeds and throw that in the juicer as well, but I think it’s faster to use a handheld citrus squeezer for the lemon. Maybe it’s just me….

OK, back to my script!

XOXO

*Yes, I know I am woefully behind on the show. Please do not leave comments about future episodes or I might go crazy –King Joffrey-crazy.